I once stayed up all night wondering where the sun went to at night....
Then it dawned on me....
Astro Jokes
enjoy!! 
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alvinsclee
- Posts: 299
- Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 9:21 pm
Re: Astro Jokes
... fortunately, the moon did not drive me to dark lunacy in the same way... anyway, the sun really made my day!chrisyeo wrote:I once stayed up all night wondering where the sun went to at night....
Then it dawned on me....
More astro-related jokes to share! Enjoy! 
1) The Three Scientists
3 scientists happen to meet each other by chance at a party, an American, a Russian, and a Pakistani.
They boast their country's science achievements.
The Russian says:
We were the 1st ones in space.
The American says, we were the 1st to go to moon.
The Pakistani thinks hard and says: we will be 1st ones on the sun!
Both the American and Russian start laughing, and say to the Pakistani.
You stupid! The sun is too hot! Your spaceship will burn before it reaches the sun.
The Pakistani scientist remains cool and calm, and says:
You are stupid. We will go there at night!!!!
2) Out On A Camp
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, and then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
3) Einstein And His Driver
Albert Einstein was so famous in the 19th century that he had almost toured all of the USA lecturing about his Theory of Relativity and Quantum Theory. One evening on their way to another speaking engagement in a far off state, his driver said to him.
"Professor you have been speaking the same lines since day one of your lecture and I myself could easily recite them without looking at your manuscript. If you wish on the next university let us change garments and I will deliver your lecture."
The professor because of over fatigue accepted the idea. The driver acting as the real professor delivered the lecture eloquently as the scientist comfortably listening at the back. But before the driver, este "professor" could leave the rostrum a participant ask a question.
"Professor could you explain to us the application of Quantum Theory to photoelectricity?”
For one brief moment it seemed that that was it, but unfazed by his sudden predicament, the driver said: “The question is so simple that even my driver can handle it. Here he is, sitting in the back. Let him answer…” That saves the day of the professor.
Cheers,
- ALPiNe
.- .-.. .--. .. -. .
1) The Three Scientists
3 scientists happen to meet each other by chance at a party, an American, a Russian, and a Pakistani.
They boast their country's science achievements.
The Russian says:
We were the 1st ones in space.
The American says, we were the 1st to go to moon.
The Pakistani thinks hard and says: we will be 1st ones on the sun!
Both the American and Russian start laughing, and say to the Pakistani.
You stupid! The sun is too hot! Your spaceship will burn before it reaches the sun.
The Pakistani scientist remains cool and calm, and says:
You are stupid. We will go there at night!!!!
2) Out On A Camp
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, and then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
3) Einstein And His Driver
Albert Einstein was so famous in the 19th century that he had almost toured all of the USA lecturing about his Theory of Relativity and Quantum Theory. One evening on their way to another speaking engagement in a far off state, his driver said to him.
"Professor you have been speaking the same lines since day one of your lecture and I myself could easily recite them without looking at your manuscript. If you wish on the next university let us change garments and I will deliver your lecture."
The professor because of over fatigue accepted the idea. The driver acting as the real professor delivered the lecture eloquently as the scientist comfortably listening at the back. But before the driver, este "professor" could leave the rostrum a participant ask a question.
"Professor could you explain to us the application of Quantum Theory to photoelectricity?”
For one brief moment it seemed that that was it, but unfazed by his sudden predicament, the driver said: “The question is so simple that even my driver can handle it. Here he is, sitting in the back. Let him answer…” That saves the day of the professor.
Cheers,
- ALPiNe
.- .-.. .--. .. -. .
-
hansgalaxy
- Posts: 41
- Joined: Mon Sep 18, 2006 3:34 pm
- Location: Singapore
Downsize the solar System!
haha... another one.. but quite lame! 
Bob Riddle, Director
KCMSD Planetarium
Kansas City, MO
(WASHINGTON D.C.)
The US Congress today, in an effort to recify the current stalemate with the President over the continuing resolution has made a dramatic announcement. In an effort to reduce the NASA budget, a resolution was passed today to downsize the solar system. According to an unnamed congressional staffer, House Republicans felt there has been "too much redundancy in the solar system" and that streamlining the 4.5 billion year old planetary system is long overdue. Such action would give NASA fewer places to go and this would allow the agency to carry out its space exploration goals within the funding profile that the House proposed earlier this summer.
"Look, we have three terrestrial planets" said Congressman Rip U. Apart (R, Del.), "and only one of them really works! So why not get rid of the other two and clean up the neighborhood?" Most subcommittee members felt that while downsizing was definitely in the cards, eliminating both Mars and Venus was going too far. "We have too many international commitments to Mars." said Rush N. Hater (R, Calif.). "So I think we should keep Mars and dump Venus. Its too hot to live on, and liberal Democrats keep using it as an example of what global warming can do. So from a political and practical point of view, Venus has got to go."
Also at risk is the planet Mercury which lacks support because of its small size and poor visibility from Earth. "Who needs it?" asked Congressman Newt Onian (R, N.C.). "Have you ever seen it? I haven't. So what good is it? We just don't need useless planets. And speaking of useless planets, what about the asteroids? If you've seen one, you've seen them all. So I say we ought to get rid of the little boogers once and for all."
However, the downsizing recommendations do not stop with the terrestrial planets. The resolution also calls for a reduction in the number of gas giants which contain most of the planetary mass in the solar system. Most subcommittee members favor retaining Jupiter and Saturn, and eliminating Uranus and Neptune. "Jupiter employs the most molecules, and Saturn has those pretty little rings everyone likes." said Rep. Con Mann (R, Fla.). "On the other hand, Uranus is a bore and its rings are dirty. And Neptune, for God's sake, is just too far away. So begone with those ugly bruisers."
But the influential Wright I.M. Fornow from South Carolina has publicly announced he will fight to eliminate Saturn. Fornow is especially miffed by NASA's success thus far in keeping Cassini, the next mission to Saturn, alive which he feels is waste of taxpayers money. "If there ain't no Saturn, then there ain't no Cassini" he exclaimed. The congressman also expressed concern about sending back-to-back spacecraft bearing Italian surnames to the outer planets (The Galileo spacecraft arrives at Jupiter this December).
The subcommittee was unanimous in its views towards Pluto which they deemed a moral misfit. "Now here's a planet we can definitely do without." continued Fornow. "A few years ago, it was farthest from the sun. Now its not. Its just too confusing. And now they tell me its really two planets instead of one. What the hell is going on here?"
The resolution must now be presented to the entire House, where it is expected to pass easily since only a minority of Representatives have constituents on the affected planets. NASA Administratorss have vowed to resist any further reductions to the solar system, saying that "NASA has expended considerable effort to make the planets cheaper, faster, and better. Much of this work would be wasted if the solar system were downsized."
Critics say, however, that reducing the number of planets will not produce the expected savings to taxpayers. Textbooks, they note, would have to be revised to reflect the new arrangement, and facilities would need to be constructed to remove the planets themselves. The resolution is also likely to draw strong opposition from religious fundamentalists who have long opposed the elimination of any of the biblical planets. Thus, the matter is still far from resolved.
Bob Riddle, Director
KCMSD Planetarium
Kansas City, MO
(WASHINGTON D.C.)
The US Congress today, in an effort to recify the current stalemate with the President over the continuing resolution has made a dramatic announcement. In an effort to reduce the NASA budget, a resolution was passed today to downsize the solar system. According to an unnamed congressional staffer, House Republicans felt there has been "too much redundancy in the solar system" and that streamlining the 4.5 billion year old planetary system is long overdue. Such action would give NASA fewer places to go and this would allow the agency to carry out its space exploration goals within the funding profile that the House proposed earlier this summer.
"Look, we have three terrestrial planets" said Congressman Rip U. Apart (R, Del.), "and only one of them really works! So why not get rid of the other two and clean up the neighborhood?" Most subcommittee members felt that while downsizing was definitely in the cards, eliminating both Mars and Venus was going too far. "We have too many international commitments to Mars." said Rush N. Hater (R, Calif.). "So I think we should keep Mars and dump Venus. Its too hot to live on, and liberal Democrats keep using it as an example of what global warming can do. So from a political and practical point of view, Venus has got to go."
Also at risk is the planet Mercury which lacks support because of its small size and poor visibility from Earth. "Who needs it?" asked Congressman Newt Onian (R, N.C.). "Have you ever seen it? I haven't. So what good is it? We just don't need useless planets. And speaking of useless planets, what about the asteroids? If you've seen one, you've seen them all. So I say we ought to get rid of the little boogers once and for all."
However, the downsizing recommendations do not stop with the terrestrial planets. The resolution also calls for a reduction in the number of gas giants which contain most of the planetary mass in the solar system. Most subcommittee members favor retaining Jupiter and Saturn, and eliminating Uranus and Neptune. "Jupiter employs the most molecules, and Saturn has those pretty little rings everyone likes." said Rep. Con Mann (R, Fla.). "On the other hand, Uranus is a bore and its rings are dirty. And Neptune, for God's sake, is just too far away. So begone with those ugly bruisers."
But the influential Wright I.M. Fornow from South Carolina has publicly announced he will fight to eliminate Saturn. Fornow is especially miffed by NASA's success thus far in keeping Cassini, the next mission to Saturn, alive which he feels is waste of taxpayers money. "If there ain't no Saturn, then there ain't no Cassini" he exclaimed. The congressman also expressed concern about sending back-to-back spacecraft bearing Italian surnames to the outer planets (The Galileo spacecraft arrives at Jupiter this December).
The subcommittee was unanimous in its views towards Pluto which they deemed a moral misfit. "Now here's a planet we can definitely do without." continued Fornow. "A few years ago, it was farthest from the sun. Now its not. Its just too confusing. And now they tell me its really two planets instead of one. What the hell is going on here?"
The resolution must now be presented to the entire House, where it is expected to pass easily since only a minority of Representatives have constituents on the affected planets. NASA Administratorss have vowed to resist any further reductions to the solar system, saying that "NASA has expended considerable effort to make the planets cheaper, faster, and better. Much of this work would be wasted if the solar system were downsized."
Critics say, however, that reducing the number of planets will not produce the expected savings to taxpayers. Textbooks, they note, would have to be revised to reflect the new arrangement, and facilities would need to be constructed to remove the planets themselves. The resolution is also likely to draw strong opposition from religious fundamentalists who have long opposed the elimination of any of the biblical planets. Thus, the matter is still far from resolved.
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
''from http://www.xs4all.nl/%7Ejcdverha/scijok ... l#subindex''
2). None! Astronomers aren't afraid of the dark.
3). See the FAQs
"What sort of light bulb should I buy?"
"Should I start with a candle?"
"Where should I buy my light bulb?"
"Where NOT to buy a light bulb."
"What type of light bulb to avoid?"
"What will I be able to see with my bulb?"
"How do I deal with telescope-pollution?"
"Can I buy a bulb for a friend?"
"Can I use my bulb in the daytime?"
A: I thought astronomers used standard candles.
A: Two: one to change the bulb, the other to complain about the light
pollution.
A: Three, plus or minus seventy-five.
A: None, they wouldn't change it because it ruins their night vision.
A: What's a light bulb ?
A: Four:
One to actually change the darn thing.
One to operate the CCD camera to measure the number of photons it emits
whilst his friend operates the computer to do the task
And another to complain about how the CCD is out of focus and how the
light bulb actually looks like a polo mint.
----
!Scientists do it...
Astronauts do it above the atmosphere.
Astronomers do it all night.
Astronomers do it anually.
Astronomers do it Charging, Coupling and Devising (CCDs).
Astronomers do it cosmologically.
Astronomers do it ellyptically.
Astronomers do it hyperbolically.
Astronomers do it in clusters.
Astronomers do it in nebulae.
Astronomers do it in the dark.
Astronomers do it in voids.
Astronomers do it in X-ways.
Astronomers do it meteorically.
Astronomers do it on mountain tops.
Astronomers do it orbitally.
Astronomers do it parabolically.
Astronomers do it spectroscopically.
Astronomers do it telescopically.
Astronomers do it under the stars.
Astronomers do it universally.
Astronomers do it variably.
Astronomers do it with binaries.
Astronomers do it with dwarfs.
Astronomers do it with giants.
Astronomers do it with lenses.
Astronomers do it with light.
Astronomers do it with lights out.
Astronomers do it with long tubes.
Astronomers do it with mirrors.
Astronomers do it with sextants.
Astronomers do it with stars.
----
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.
----
It is estimated that 3.71 X 10^10 "first-star-tonight" wishes have been wasted
on Venus.
----
Did the astronaut like the restaurant on the moon?
He thought the food was fine but there wasn't much of an atmosphere!
(Kayla, 10)
----
''from http://www.xs4all.nl/%7Ejcdverha/scijok ... l#subindex''
2). None! Astronomers aren't afraid of the dark.
3). See the FAQs
"What sort of light bulb should I buy?"
"Should I start with a candle?"
"Where should I buy my light bulb?"
"Where NOT to buy a light bulb."
"What type of light bulb to avoid?"
"What will I be able to see with my bulb?"
"How do I deal with telescope-pollution?"
"Can I buy a bulb for a friend?"
"Can I use my bulb in the daytime?"
A: I thought astronomers used standard candles.
A: Two: one to change the bulb, the other to complain about the light
pollution.
A: Three, plus or minus seventy-five.
A: None, they wouldn't change it because it ruins their night vision.
A: What's a light bulb ?
A: Four:
One to actually change the darn thing.
One to operate the CCD camera to measure the number of photons it emits
whilst his friend operates the computer to do the task
And another to complain about how the CCD is out of focus and how the
light bulb actually looks like a polo mint.
----
!Scientists do it...
Astronauts do it above the atmosphere.
Astronomers do it all night.
Astronomers do it anually.
Astronomers do it Charging, Coupling and Devising (CCDs).
Astronomers do it cosmologically.
Astronomers do it ellyptically.
Astronomers do it hyperbolically.
Astronomers do it in clusters.
Astronomers do it in nebulae.
Astronomers do it in the dark.
Astronomers do it in voids.
Astronomers do it in X-ways.
Astronomers do it meteorically.
Astronomers do it on mountain tops.
Astronomers do it orbitally.
Astronomers do it parabolically.
Astronomers do it spectroscopically.
Astronomers do it telescopically.
Astronomers do it under the stars.
Astronomers do it universally.
Astronomers do it variably.
Astronomers do it with binaries.
Astronomers do it with dwarfs.
Astronomers do it with giants.
Astronomers do it with lenses.
Astronomers do it with light.
Astronomers do it with lights out.
Astronomers do it with long tubes.
Astronomers do it with mirrors.
Astronomers do it with sextants.
Astronomers do it with stars.
----
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
around the Sun.
----
It is estimated that 3.71 X 10^10 "first-star-tonight" wishes have been wasted
on Venus.
----
Did the astronaut like the restaurant on the moon?
He thought the food was fine but there wasn't much of an atmosphere!
(Kayla, 10)
----
